Our third child started kindergarten yesterday. I didn't cry when I dropped him off. Sounds callous, right? I mean, I cried when my first two kids went to kindergarten (not sobbed, but got misty eyed and had to wipe away a few tears.) but not Isaac. It wasn't multiple child syndrome (the syndrome one has when they have multiple children. Other symptoms might include not having a baby book, or not compulsive writings of "firsts".) I didn't cry because I wasn't sad. I was happy. That sounds even worse. Let me explain. (I feel like saying "but what had happened was".) Before I was a doula, before I was a mom to 4, before I was who I've become, we had some major heart ache. Like, breathless, bent over, gut wrenching, snot running down my face, body heaving, middle of the night sobbing, heart ache. We lost 6 babies. 5 of those back, to back, to back, to back. There was a time when we thought we might not be able to have more than two children here on earth. That, we may never have another little one to birth, to hold, to watch grow, to send to school at all. I won't get into it all, but I will tell you that it sucked. (If you want to read more about it, I blogged about it here.) Yes, God used those losses in a way that I never imagined. But, it still sucked in the middle, deep pit of it all (even though God met us there.) One of those pregnancies, we found out we were pregnant around the same time as a friend. A friend I saw often. We, obviously, lost the baby. My friend did not. It was not her fault in any way, shape, or form, but it hurt for a long time to watch her son grow up. (Not in an angry at her way, or angry at him way. In a, miss-my-baby way. Just want to be clear on that.) It hurt because I was watching him do all of the things that our baby would never do. That same due-date baby's major milestones were always an emotional blow. Those blows lessened after having Isaac and Eliza. But, the day he started kindergarten was especially hard on me. It was a big milestone. One I wasn't prepared to hurt so much, because, y'all, I had TWO MORE CHILDREN by then. (Grief is fun like that.) But, the baby that we lost, he/she was still our baby, too. And, gosh, I missed him/her. Hard. So, yesterday, as Isaac walked into the gym at his school, and as he sat down in line and as I walked him to his class, I was so proud of him. Beyond that, all I could think was a small pray of thanksgiving "Thank you for letting us/him have this experience." So, no, I didn't cry for Isaac. Because, he's here, and growing up well. But, when I got home, I again cried for the babies we never met outside my womb.
1 Comment
Devan
8/6/2015 10:05:53 am
Now you made me tear up too. <3
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Tracy AbneyTracy Abney is a certified and insured birth and bereavement doula serving Huntsville, Madison and other parts of north Alabama. Archives
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