Growing up, our church didn't observe lent with fasting (That I recall. They totally could have, and I just didn't notice. They fasted other times, I just don't remember it being tied to lent.) As an adult, I never really observed lent with any type of fasting, either. This year was different for me.
As some of you may know, I fasted from social media this year during Lent. I would love to say it was my decision, but really, it was all God. I had a very traumatic series of unfortunate births, that started to crush me and my spirit. The last one was right before Lent began, and God gently nudged me in the direction to protect my heart because it was tender and raw. It turns out I thought I would miss social media more than I actually did. In fact, a few times I got sucked in (my son's track information is only posted to FB, so as the season progressed, I had to get on more frequently to check things) I was immediately reminded why I was on the break in the first place. There are so many wonderful things about social media, like niche communities and private groups. I don't want to take away from the goodness. But, I don't think anyone would argue that sometimes social media is a trigger. I know when I posted about my hard doula-year originally, a few people thought that it was physician related. It was not. I want to make that clear. Not the clients' fault, not the hospitals' fault, not the physicians' fault, not the nurses' fault, not the doula's. These events were not anyone's fault, which made them harder to process in some ways. First of all, everyone is ok physically now. That's important. All of the babies are adorable and sweet. Without sharing too much client information, think really serious, life and death stuff. Months of these kinds of births. Crazy births. I have never seen most of these things before, in my ten years of doula'ing, and it was back to back to back. When I say that my heart was raw, guys, it was RAW. Like someone had taken a Brillo pad and scrubbed my bare skin kind of raw. The rawest of raw. There was so much trauma around a lot of these births, for my clients, and for me. Hearing your client scream while they cut her open to get.her.baby.out.now is not something you can just forget. It doesn't fit into my neat little emotional processing box of "that was hard, but I'm totally fine."(Unless we're talking about how Ross was fine. Because, if so, then yes. I was fine.) During my SM fast, I found time for some other things that I had had sitting on my to-do or to-read list. I read a few books. I practiced handstands almost every day (it's on my wish-list to do an unassisted handstand before the end of the year. They're still pretty ugly at this point.) I watched a new series on Amazon (Orphan Black! Oh-Em-Gee. The lead actress on that show is ah-mazing.) I made an appointment with a therapist (But, bummer, guys, they haven't called back. I'm going to have to call them. It took me about 6 weeks to even contact them in the first place.) I also have been studying Daniel with my church- watching God's story unfold through Daniel's life. Really reading about who Daniel was and who God is. During the study, I've learned how God used Daniel's life and circumstances to draw people to Him, especially the crappy situations. It has been such a powerful picture of God's sovereignty. While I can't say that I've fully processed my hurt and trauma, I can say that God has taught me a few things in the early stages of the healing process. The biggest takeaway- God is sovereign, and we are not. We cannot truly control anything. Not that I would've said I thought I could before this. But, we do try to achieve some sense of control in almost everything we do. I can make plans, I can attempt to take control, but, in the end, it is God, my creator, that really has the whole world in his hands. He opens wombs, he orchestrates support systems, he breaks me down in order to be built back up in Him. He uses my brokenness for His glory and invites me to have a small part of that story. I still don't know how God will use these stories, these births, but I can assure you the grief/pain/trauma for my clients is not pointless. Yes, there's still a lot of trauma and grief I have to work through in addition to past traumas and grief. No social media fast alone is long enough to do that. But, this gave me a good place to start. Like hypnobabies tells clients to do, it created a bubble of peace and it helped me relax and release and heal a tiny bit. ***One resource that I got mid-fast was a book on grief and mourning, authored by some of my favorite people who happen to be clients. In it, my friends write beautiful stories of God's comfort. (One hit me so hard that I told my friend that it was written just for me.) Buy one for yourself, buy some for gifts. It truly is an awesome book. *** The Book Of Comforts: Genuine Encouragement for Hard Times
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Tracy AbneyTracy Abney is a certified and insured birth and bereavement doula serving Huntsville, Madison and other parts of north Alabama. Archives
April 2019
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