A few years ago, I wrote a blog post about when our rainbow baby, Isaac, started kindergarten. (We always called him our keeper baby.) I wrote about how overjoyed I was that he was going to Kindergarten because that meant he was thriving. I remember how I didn't cry for him. He was excited and I felt so blessed to have him growing up! Well, if Isaac was our keeper baby, Eliza is our Bonus Fry. ("It's like Jesus is up in Heaven 'give 'em an extra fry.'"- Jim Gaffagin.) Eliza's that surprise fry in the bottom of the bag. That special, unexpected, last minute addition. She brings much joy to our family! She's my girl, and the only one of my kids that spent alone time with me (all of my other kids had younger siblings. She is the only one who stayed home alone with me during the day during her preschool years.) That girl, our bonus fry, she started Kindergarten today. Given the choice, I'm fairly certain she would've skipped all days of pre-K to hang out with me. She's the only one of our four that didn't want to go to Kindergarten. She repeatedly asked if she could just go "a couple of days a week." She loved our "mommy and Eliza days" and was content to run errands with me on her days home. I knew today would be sad, this ending of an era of littles at home. The unofficial closing of a chapter of babyhood in our home. This weird "growing up" of our family. But, I was underprepared for the emotions I had (and still have.) Completely. Fully. Underprepared. Y'all, it was a doozy. I needed someone today. Someone to tell me to breathe, possibly in my nose and out my mouth. Someone to tell me to release the tension I was holding. Someone to roll some lavender on my neck. Or maybe some stress-away. Someone to hold my hand and tell me it is ok to cry, especially when my baby girl looked over at me, in the crowded, noisy gymnasium and said "mommy, don't leave me. I'm scared." Someone to pray for me as I prayed for my girl, since my voice didn't want to seem to obey my commands of "do not show her you're crying, too." Someone to remind me that I can do hard things, I can do this, as I watch a single tear run down her sweet cheek. Someone to remind me of God's promises- how He loves her more than I could ever love her. Someone to lean on as I walked her to her class to say goodbye. Someone to smile with me and just be near me as I released a giant sigh of relief when she hugged me goodbye in her classroom, with no tears. Someone to guide me to my car, then sit with me in my, abnormally quiet house as I reflect on my morning. Do they have "my baby is starting kindergarten" doulas? They totally should.
1 Comment
uiettami bolte
8/8/2017 05:30:40 am
sigh. i certainly understand and prayed for you yesterday. It is a reality that you look forward to, yet, you dread....your mornings and days are now yours again! You think it will be the most wonderful day of the year....but instead...your house is SO quiet. The realization that this phase of this thing called parenting, you can now check off! However, you also realize how precious it really was. Through all your photos of meltdowns of Eliza on FB that you capture, you realize how these hard moments were part of the journey of your little girl and children that you will hold on to now and smile. That tear that she shed was also your tear of a time you will never let go of or regret. But this is only the beginning of many more heart rending moments you will gather as a mum. You capture each one and hold it close. It is a rite of passage to get you ready for the next one, the next stage. I'm so thankful that you love your children so well. That you enjoy each phase of growing up, from Olivia in middle school to Eliza in Kindergarten. I think we, as parents, grow up a little bit with them. God grows our hearts, our minds and our understanding of just how His grace is new every morning. It expands our capacity to love, cherish and respond unselfishly. It takes our view of how He loves us to a new level of understanding. He allows us to see the depth of His love as we hold them close and at the same time give them wings to fly. Your nest may be empty but your heart is full. Take a deep breath. You are doing a fabulous job. You are loved, my sweet friend!
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Tracy AbneyTracy Abney is a certified and insured birth and bereavement doula serving Huntsville, Madison and other parts of north Alabama. Archives
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